After Midnight: A Confessional

“Now o’er the one half world nature seems dead,
And wicked dreams abuse the curtain’d sleep.” (Macbeth)

It’s actually two hours and thirteen minutes after midnight on Saturday, December 9th, and I can’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep last night either, but then I was suffering the effects of an allergy shot I had received earlier in the day. When I saw my doctor today, he gave me yet another lecture on the adverse consequences of stress and told me to relax this weekend. Ha! I’ve been trying to purge my “heat-oppressed brain” (Macbeth) of all thoughts that “abuse the curtain’d sleep,” but I just can’t seem to pull out these “dagger[s] of the mind” (Macbeth). “Foh! About my brain!” (Hamlet)

Perhaps if I use Blogger as a confessional, I’ll find some relief. So here goes:

• This has been one of the worst teaching years of my life. I have never been so far behind in my grading, felt so inept in the classroom, nor seen so many looks of frustration and stress in the eyes of my students. Ironically, last year was one of my best teaching years. So what happened? I’ve started to second-guess myself on everything I do in the classroom. When I hear a new strategy another teacher has tried, I want to try it too—but I don’t want to give up my strategies that have been so successful in the past. And so I’ve tried to do more and ended up not doing anything particularly well. When I look at projects on the Fischbowl, I’m impressed, but it takes time to learn the technology to use with these projects—and time is something I just don’t have (I’ll save that for another bullet). For example, I loved Kristen’s project using Photostory, and it reminds me of the Romantic Collage assignment I give my students second semester, where they define English Romanticism by finding a collection of poets, quotations, pictures, etc. and piecing items on regular old paper. The results are beautiful, and I completely cover a bulletin board with their work. In the past students have loved the results, but technology is seductive, so I think my students this year would rather do something on the computer rather than on paper. I’m also frustrated because I know constructivist teaching advocates “less is more,” but since we have changed Honors English Literature to AP Language, I must cover technical material that will help them be successful on the national exam. That means I’m rushing through masterpieces of literature without giving students that precious time to discover the beauty of the language on their own. I know—I know what you will say, Karl. I just have to give up some of these famous literary works—but which ones? I can’t bear to part with Chaucer, or Shakespeare, or Austen, or Waugh, or Huxley, or Wilde, or Donne, or Swift or, or, or, or, or….you get the picture. And suddenly, I’m in a pickle. My AP kids are performing Canterbury Tales presentations next Monday and Tuesday. In the past students have loved these presentations—this year I think they are dreading them. On Wednesday and Thursday of next week, we need to finish Macbeth and we still have two acts to read. Usually, I ham it up with them using the famous witch scene at the beginning of Act IV—but we don’t have time.
  
• I’d better switch bullets before I totally lose my audience (I probably already have—oh well—I don’t expect many readers—I just need to vent. Let’s discuss TIME, since I mentioned it at least twice in my last rant. When I open my email each morning, my heart sinks. Emails from administrators, colleagues, parents and teachers fill my box, and all require an immediate response. I never grade at school anymore—I answer emails. Karl—you always send us so many wonderful sites to explore, but I usually click past those messages thinking I’ll return to them later when I have more time, but—you can guess what happens. I would love to have just one, entire day where I could visit all of the sites you’ve shared. I’ve saved them, and my mailbox is often over the size-limit. I also may have bitten off more than I can chew with taking the 21st Century class. I feel terrible that I do not blog as often as I should, respond to projects on the Fischbowl, or visit classrooms of other teachers. I keep wishing I could take this class in the summer when I have time to participate more completely.
  
• Another Time Vampire? Letters of recommendation. I have never written so many as I have this year, and I have another seven due by the end of next week. What can I do? Should I just start telling kids, “No”? Why do colleges need these anyway—do they really make that big of a difference?
  
• And the Holidays are approaching. Although I like ending first semester before Christmas, I wish we could finish at least a week earlier. Shopping, baking, going to holiday events—impossible. We’re expected to give rigorous final exams, but that means more essays to grade. On the last day of school most English teachers will be in the office until 4:00 or 5:00 (it happened last year) while the rest of the building will be empty by 2:00 or 3:00. My brother’s family arrives that Friday—this is the first Christmas without my mom—and I wanted to make is so special since our entire remaining family will be together. I don’t know if I have the time.
  
• Okay—I’m going to stop—this is getting ridiculous and I sound so negative—but I do feel better, and I want to end on a positive note. I appreciate so much all you have done, Karl, to motivate teachers to become better teachers. I am so impressed by the young teachers at Arapahoe—you have really lit a fire under them, and everyone on the 21st Century Team has been so encouraging—and patient. I’ve been thinking recently that perhaps I should give up teaching AP. These young teachers have so much more energy to do all of the exploring and creating that overwhelms me. But—there I go again sounding negative, and I need to remind myself, “There’s nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so” (Hamlet). And, “This is not the worst as long as we can say it is the worst” (Lear).
  
• Thanks. Now I’m going to grade some Writer’s Portfolios!